A student at Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology (TJ) received a 99/100 on a math test this week. This is a shocking development for a school renowned for its perfect students. This unfortunate test grade has received a ton of attention from the media, parents, and students across the nation.
The news was first broken by the Tumblr, TJ Rumors, run by the most ferocious gossipers in the school, Principal Evan Glazer and Asst. Principal Heather Sondel.
The story soon spread to the HAHA TJ FAILS AT EVERYTHING Langley Post. The Kid Who Was Supposed To Have Been Accepted Into TJ But Wasn’t at Langley hacked Crap News Network (CNN–the most watched and read news organization in the United States) and posted the article there.
This made the entire story spread extremely quickly. When reached for comment, The Kid Who Was Supposed To Have Been Accepted Into TJ But Wasn’t first said, “No comment.”
With more prodding, he finally said, “Everyone knows that I am the Kid Who Was Supposed To Have Been Accepted Into TJ But Wasn’t. I really want to go there. And the kid who got the 99 obviously is the Kid Who Shouldn’t Have Gotten Into TJ But Was. He should go. They should replace him with me! Also, he’s my brother.”
We at We Hate TJ and Love McLean High School Times have conducted some additional sleuthing and discovered some extremely enticing facts (NOTE: None of these facts can be proved as true due to the fact that they are most likely not. We are an extremely biased organization, as you can probably tell from our name, We Hate TJ and Love McLean High School Times.
Please do not take any of the following information with a grain of salt or sue us in court. Please. DON’T SOO US WERE ONLY KIDZ. Please feel free to spread this information as fact, in fact, PLEASE DO WE WANT MCLEAN BACK BABY).
These are the facts:
1. Parents are pulling their kids out of TJ in droves. Pronto. Apparently, all but one kid (AKA The Kid Who Can’t Let Go and Loves TJ To Tears) has dropped out of the now failing TJ. TJ appears doomed this way.
2. These students are all fleeing to some school called the School for the Talented and Gifted in Dallas, Texas. Last year, this school usurped TJ’s number one ranking. People assumed it was over for TJ back then. Unfortunately, it wasn’t, but fortunately, TJ’s end seems nigh (We at We Hate TJ and Love McLean High School Times guess that, being TJ students, they would say, “Their end seems Nye,” in reference to Bill Nye the Science Guy).
3. All the teachers have left TJ and are looking for new jobs.
4. The Kid Who Was Supposed To Have Been Accepted Into TJ But Wasn’t is not being pressed for charges because everyone is so glad he kicked TJ’s crown off their ridiculous looking Mascot (seriously, the mascot looks like a shriveled up, dead, stupid, white, smelly, fat, bald with a wig, apricot).
5. US News and World Report has downgraded TJ’s ranking to last place because of this news. US News and World Report spokesperson Obama Barrack (strange name) commented in detail.
“When we put TJ at number two, we expected them to be perfect. But with the news that people are now failing classes, we have no choice but to put them at the bottom of the list. Any concerns may be emailed to HAHANOEMAILADDRESSFORYOU@none.
It looks like TJ may not be able to recover from this wonderful event. It seems like there is possibly a chance for a new school to become the next TJ. Only time will tell what school that will be (PLEASE LET IT BE MCLEAN PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DEAR GOD PLEASE). ForWe Hate TJ and Love McLean High School Times, this is every TJ hater.
Update:
Washington Post Fact Checker Glenn Kessler called our article “Completely incorrect. The author has no grasp of what facts are, or, for that matter, how to write a news story. For the first time ever, we are giving them 314,159 Pinocchios.”
This Glenn Kessler is obviously a complete and utter idiot. Grasp of facts? We are entirely factual (except when we are not). Moreover, seriously? He writes for a newspaper? What is a newspaper?
Note: Hugo Kessler is a sophomore in Judy Bello’s Humanities I class. This satire was a class assignment written after reading “Candide” by Voltaire.